Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
