This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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