Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
