I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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