Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize