respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
