I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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