you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
