Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
