I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
