you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i believe in u and ur pee
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
