i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize