She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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