Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
