shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
