I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize