Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
