i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
