There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
