Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
