I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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