I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
