Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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