Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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