come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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