Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
