he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
