I'm really into asian looking animals
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
