dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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