It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
