where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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