i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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