He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
