checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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