I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
