i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
