Dual....:-)
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
