when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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