Your face is a jimmy john
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
