i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize