You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
