Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize