You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
