Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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