i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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