You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
