Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
