Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Every concussion has its silver lining
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
