why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
