When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Randomize
