Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
