I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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