you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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