You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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