Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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