Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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