tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
