first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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