I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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