i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
