Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
