He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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